How do you even know that his man was actually, really furious? His ex had gone through a lot of internal as well as external strugglesand became stronger and wiser. There were no hard feelings). She deserves to be treated as cheap and unwanted but he doesnt deserve to skate free. Yes, it would be nice if he were eager to become a parent. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. in whether or not a child is a result here is what all you men should do at like age 18 or whatever. If the guy just walked away and contributed nothing, then that would be exactly akin to most adoptions, which, essentially, just mean letting someone else take care of your child. Doesnt interest me. He sounds a bit flakey. If not, then why cant a man sever all legal and fiscal responsibility prior to the childs birth (as it would be a parallel situation)? Here are the 5 signs that he/she is in one: They started the relationship before they ended it (or as they were ending it) with you.. This poor unborn child who I feel very, very sorry for already, is not the problem. It sounds glib, and I mean, malarky? He made his feelings clear to her when she was only two weeks pregnant, telling her they havent been together two minutes! And she doesnt have to be a liar to have been on antibiotics, thus rendering the pill largely ineffective. And what few you do procreate will become part of the growing criminal element, as they have no strong father-figure to teach them how to be part of successful society. Again, he has not opted out of the childs life. You really have no idea what child support means. It is scummy though. I think both you and JR are twisting this around to make it sound like we dont like the dude because were prudes who dont believe in casual sex, or that were siding with the LW or something, when most of us actually said that we believe that the LW is as scumy as the dude. Baby, our apartment isnt big enough for a baby. Its biology. I was thinking this letter was going to be juicy!! You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape. But when it comes down to it, men have *zero* say in anything having to do with the child how it is raised, where it lives, etc. 2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. My takeaway from this is that men should never have sex unless theyre sterile or want to have children, and even then they should never have sex unless they plan to never have sex with a different person in the future because there is absolutely no way to avoid all sexually transmitted diseases aside from the complete lack of sexual contact. The hand and fingers were all bright red and black-and-blue under the nails. It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. Actually no. Im guessing thats where most of us got the idea that he was trying to push it on her. First, abandoned is a bit misleading, since (a) we dont know that theyd broken up before or after she discovered she was pregnant and (b) hes agreed to pay for the child. So, you read the letter and all of the replies and what you got out of it is that a guy got a girl preganant who he doesnt want to be with his entire life and everyone responding considers him a jackass because of that? The argument is that Im on birth control. is not the same as I will not get pregnant from this sexual encounter. You know how babies are made. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. Agree. And MOA. And my opinion doesnt change whether youre prepared to have a kid. Dont like the consequences? If I ever get pregnant and the dude wants nothing to do with the child, I will not force him. That is really fucked up. Basically, he is dumping you and moving on. But I guess I looked at it a lot like a woman adopting a baby alone would. SpaceySteph But just my guess. I think what you are trying to explain are the two types of custodyover the person and over decision making for the person. 2. AndreaMarie And hopefully people begin to realize that just taking the pill isnt an absolute gurantee that you wont make a baby. 5 Ways To Deal When Your Ex Is Dating Someone New - Bustle I understand that there are many times when adoption is the best choice. And if so, Im ready. lets_be_honest And they seem to have a lot of time on their hands. Just feeding on each other and leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. The scapegoats arent really the point- women, minorities, the government, poor people, rich people- it doesnt really matter. One common definition: a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response. And it wont be you for very long. Until thats legally extended as you propose any man who doesnt exercise that option has no one to blame but himself when he becomes a parent. That was his choice, but what hes done is made you feel sorry for him. My boyfriend got a girl pregnant during a breakup. What should - Quora Exactly, so if knowing this you still choose to proceed with anything that could result in a pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself if you become a parent. Remember we are hearing all this second or third hand. He has to fit the baby into their life, not the other way around. Fyrebyrd2 It did say that he was furious at her for not getting an abortion. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. Holy hell, this guy sounds like a dick. He didnt want a baby? If he doesnt want to have children that much, yes, he should be the one to do everything to prevent it. The pull out method? However, sure, something unexpected and life-altering happened to him, and hes upset, so surely hes an idiot. We all know that going in. When you have a child with someone you will have to deal with them FOREVER. It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. You sound awfully bitter to me. While I am pro-choice, I would never have an abortion. female First of all, they knew each other for two months, not two minutes. ele4phant He hadnt. Life is unfair. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. LADIES he could stand her. 17. We got back together but he dragged her along through texts for a week until I found out. If men abandon a child, you have a child with needs that take precedent over fairness to the abandoning parent. Even if she was taking it appropriately (same time every day, no antibiotics interfering, etc), it still isnt 100% effective. And you dont sound much better. The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. Its a good word. The pill doesnt stop ovulation in all women. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt. She takes her pill every day at the same time. As for the STDs nobody is saying that you shouldnt have sex because you could get them, they are saying that if you are going to have unprotected sex, and then sleep with a different person after that, you at the very least owe it to them, to tell them that you did this, and if they ask, you should get tested. He hides me as well as the other girl. When he chose to bust a nut in a stranger he took on that risk. 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. ColorsOfTheWind But the issue is when he decided not to pull out but bust a load into a strangerhe took on that risk of possibily having the responsibility to pay for a kid for the next 18 years. No one should be forced to abort a child, but no one should be forced to have one they do not want. Get your hands off my uterus! I dont know if hes a bad guy or not since we only have the ex-girlfriends side of the story. I think hes an asshole for sleeping with a woman he cant stand without using a condom. Gain some maturity and realize that you have no part in this decision, shes decided to keep the baby, shes the one who will be carrying the baby, raising the baby, etc Grow up LW and dump him. If you have any self respect, dump the sob. It pays and so do the provider of the sperm. And hes 28. There are so many variations on how the parents choices can conflict but no choice after the fact will make it even for both mother and father. April 10, 2012, 11:39 am, Im NOT saying she should abort, just that shes an idiot & she shouldnt expect a one-night stander to suddenly be a father. Its not anyones fault, theres no one to blame. So, let it be over. Because women are always unfairly saddled with the burden of child birth, we will always be the ones who make the choices about whats going on in our own bodies. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. But, seriously you should both get tested for STDs. Move on. Doesnt matter if the owner of cocacola sat down with you and discussed the possible risk of opening a bottle and what you would both do if something went wrong. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that. Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. BC. Ask Dr. Sherry: 'My Fianc Got Another Woman Pregnant, Now - Essence Thanks for listening to me. My heart broke into a million pieces. So, if you insist that men create children, or even assist in such a thing, you are some kind of slimy pro-lifer meddling in the affairs of independent women who need men like a fish needs a bicycle. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I give up. Bow out gracefully and give him the space he doesnt know he needs to get his life together. Sure sure you have sex, theres always the possibility of a child. Hes allowed to not want to be a father! We are so in love with eachother and are with eachother all the time. But then, I guess I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. You want to be a slave to a prick like him? You are certainly not the first person in this situation, and its worked out well for others, so you relationship may not be *doomed*, but it will be certainly complicated. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. I dont have an opinion on your status of human or troll via DW forums. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. Because, since you cannot prevent pregnancy and you cannot prevent sexual transmission of disease, I see no other way to look at it. Men AND women both have decided, well after-the-fact, that no babies is better than having babies. He cant be irresponsible and fail to take every reasonable effort to avoid pregnancy (doubling up on BC and using condoms, getting a vasectomy, or only having sex with women he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt also do not want to bring children into the world), and then act surprised and angry when it happens anyways. So go whine about how unfair life is to someone who is as ignorant as you are about how life works. Chuck(le) A Breakup During Pregnancy Made Me Realize the Mom I Want to Be exactly hes allowed to not want to be a father, but be smarter about birth control. Then, when you decided to get back together he wasnt so sure he wanted to be in a relationship with you. So then, to be clear, your point isnt that gay men are more likely to wear condoms. Dr. Sherry, My fianc cheated, we broke up but then got back together. You dont want his problems. Just because shes decided to not have an abortion because your boyfriend cant stand her and doesnt want anything to do with her or the innocent child, who, like it or not, he helped create, doesnt mean shes trying to trap him or that shes a scroat. She provided the other half of the set, the construction site, the construction materials, she built the child. I dont know whats causing all this rancor, RR, but its surely not just the letter. My Wife Had Fun With My Best Friend And Destroyed Our Son's Future Bossip Comment Policy However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. Does that make him an asshole? LOL. And fools are welcome to the horror you and your ilk inflict upon them. This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. April 9, 2012, 11:40 am. Here is the truth: After a break up you create a hierarchy. April 9, 2012, 6:16 pm. The laws are unfair because they arent designed to be fair to the PARENTS- theyre designed to work in the best interest of the innocent child that didnt choose to be born. Oh wow, that was longer than I expected. Any woman who, in a divorce, grants custody of the children to the father is an immature asshole, and any woman who spends her life in her career an allows the father to raise the children is an immature asshole, because, in each of those cases, the woman is just as guilty of abdicating the role of parent as the guy here would be, and in many of them, she also doesnt even provide financial support. Its always someone elses fault. Been there Calling the women here honey is pretty condescending, Steve. So, in other words, RR, it is a noble thing to give your child to strangers in the hope that he or she is treated well (that the adoptive parents wont abuse them, wont get divorced in a messy way, wont let them fend for themselves, and so on), even though youll have no interaction with that child again, but it is base and vile to have the same lack of interaction but to provide financial support which doesnt in any way affect the mothers ability to find a partner that is right for her. we broke up and he got another girl pregnant. Iwannatalktosampson and its also appalling that he would order a woman to abort. And if by some chance she does get pregnant itll be difficult but theyre going to get married someday anyway so theyll just start their family earlier than planned. Documents were drawn up by said lawyers. I cant help but think just as she has a choice to abort, keep or put up for adoption, he too has a choice and while not admirable, it may be for the best. This doesnt arise from the rights of the mother. They can both make a choice but only Susie must physically implement the plan. submandave Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. Now that that lesson is over do you have any other questions? from the letter: I cant believe the absurdity of some of these arguments. Yet you are mad at the other women and not him? But woman, grow the hell up. But, now hes faced with the unwanted consequences of that choice, and while its unfortunate, its how life works. Glad to see youve really listened to fellow commentators, reflection on their contributions carefully and made a meaningful contribution to the DW community. As well, the LW has no right to call this other woman names, purely because it was the LWs (ex? April 9, 2012, 6:41 pm, bittergaymark but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. If the baby mama wants to keep the baby, its her decision. Any male after the onset of puberty can make a baby. 2. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. Thats the responsible thing for anyone to do after having unprotected sex and before beginning a new relationship. Story. And now onto you, ummmm you say he cant bare to be without you and never loved anyone as much as he loves you.well his actions sure say otherwise. But anyone who consents to sex and is then furious at their sex partner when a baby is the outcome is an idiot. me and my boyfriend dated 3 years ago for a year. You have to grow up and stop this childish immature desiring for a man who keeps you hanging around. rainbow April 9, 2012, 9:30 pm. Secondly, as PPs have pointed out, the whole concept of We cant live without one another is f-ed up. Youre right, what your life has become isnt fair- to anyone involved. Paraphrased of course. Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. P.S. He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. Respect her decision. He slept with his ex-fiancee once, and now she's pregnant. Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. You have no opinion in this matter. female My opinion is that we all know that it can happen whether youre on birth control or not. We ended up keeping in touch for months and talked about working things out. SweetsAndBeats Oh, and I dont hate women who get child support. Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? April 9, 2012, 2:37 pm, Well, its always possible that shes NOT in her right mind. April 9, 2012, 1:35 pm. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. Or, she may have seemed supportive during the relationship, but . But if YOU really are so fucked up and so pathetic that you want to build a life with a man who for intents are purposes wants to simply abandon his own child have at it. 3 Things I Learned from Stopping All Communication After My Breakup No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants. (i.e. Id confirm that hes actually the father. When a woman tells you that shes on the pill, whether its true or not, and you believe that means that you cannot impregnate her you are the idiot. Only men-children would not use a condom in this situation. If a pregnancy results after you do the very thing you know can cause pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself and whining about your lack of choices or the burden of what you must now do is unproductive and frankly, a little too late. To clarify, I am NOT living with HIV. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. female lets_be_honest April 9, 2012, 6:39 pm, Oh, please. Both agreed to cut him out entirely, up to and including child support, so that he was free of any obligation. Model Mustang. Hed be out the door on you as well. Um, I dont think anyone actually said that. But still. Nobody wants to refute what John says in his first post. Theyve both made their choice. But, it would have reduced the chances. Risk reduction is not relevant, because the risk never goes to 0%. bittergaymark And maybe she is a harlot of sorts. reader, kmart+, writes (24 July 2008): A That support is not hers. But thats a crime?. I mean, he loved the baby mama enough to get erected & to bang her & to just release evrything to make her pregnant, & what the fuck am I thinking?!?!? Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. Adoptive parents are as capable as any others of deciding that having a child isnt right for them, that they werent as prepared for it as they thought, and that the child isnt really theirs, and theyre as likely to have other major negative events in their lives as anyone. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed Me - Bolde i completely agree, it is both parties responsibilities to make sure they are preventing pregnancy AND stds. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum?. Here are five hard truths every "other woman" should know: 1. Its like people that think women become foster parents for the money. Good. If I got pregnant by a guy who begged me to have one, I would tell him if he doesnt want this child he can just fuck off and I will raise him/her but I will not kill my own child for him. You know what bothers me, if the lady wasnt pregnant would he have told you of the affair? I think its dispicable that you would consider re-uniting with a man that thinks his only obligation as a father is financial support. You have no say whatsoever in this situation. Im pretty sure the guy is being called scum because of his shitty attitude towards the pregnancy and the unborn child. She asked what to do with this guy. Hes scum all around in my book. The thought of a child waiting for him at home makes going away so much easier. This LW really doesnt get a say in the matter, true, but if I were her Id take one look at the boyfriends actions and attitudes and dump him. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. Imagine lending your new car to a friend who led you to believe they just needed to make a quick run to the Piggly Wiggly, only to have them return it to you totaled after having taken it on a weeklong bender in Vegas. As a dude, this letter brings up several thoughts. Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. The LW said that he is furious that shes keeping the baby. Thats the risk that you take. The system you propose that if conception is not by mistake and if the man does not decide early on that he doesnt want to be responsible, then he should be obligated to that child is the craziness system ever. 50 percent of babies are unplanned, and that includes married couples using contraception. And not because he deserved it for having possibly unprotected sex. Youve never used malarky in any prior comment, so I just dont believe you. That is called deception. So, ask yourself why do you allow it? IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) He gets a girl pregnant and then tells her to get rid of it because its an inconvenience for him to have to deal with it? Now, the woman could want it and the dude not want it. She didnt rape him. Ugh so agree with Amanda. so many unwanted and unplanned pregnancies could be prevented if people just showed more interested and care in using birth control. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. bittergaymark We judge what people wear (what on earth was she thinking?? There is no 100 percent way to prevent pregnancy. There is a massive difference between wanting a pregnancy to be terminated and deciding to have nothing to do with a child who has been born. Dont engage in the action. That being said, the LW didnt say whether he was tested so we dont know for sure. nurserie cerise et capucine we broke up and he got another girl pregnant.If your ex got married only months after the breakup, then something doesn't feel right.In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy . Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey Yes, he should have realized this was a possibility. Yes, the language in the letter is certainly. If a guy *does not* want to be a father, he shouldnt be having sex with women unless he knows, for sure, they have a similar attitude when it comes unintended pregnancy.. And yes men create children. And he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. Both of their attitudes kind of suck. Where do stand on the fact that when a pregnancy occurs its only the woman who has to go through either an abortion or childbirth and the man never does either? Shes also calling him a troll because he likes to show up only for these types of letters when he can tell DW commentators that we are all obviously wrong and from the she-women man hating club. A condoms like 50 cents. Furthest from the vagina, just saying. Iwannatalktosampson I dont ever remember being heartbroken about not having a father. Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? Having legal custody doesnt guarantee you or prevent you from paying support. Well, ok. Happens all the time. He cant try and opt out of the rules that he knew he was playing by when he had sex with this woman. He didn't marry you. Go on about it all you want though. But hes no knight in shining armor because he is willing to bare some legally minimal level of responsibility. Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. He apologized for not telling me sooner. April 10, 2012, 7:10 pm. Image Source. The sperm is genetically identical to the IVF doctors sperm, and it is the IVF doctor who impregnates the woman, even if he never has sex with her. Because otherwise, society would, if you could never work again and started collecting welfare, etc. Having read some of the (ahem) well-reasoned responses to my post (and your response), I realize the interwebs are probably not the best place to argue the merits of paternity law. I agree with you regarding being a part of the childs life but I dont agree with you on the money aspect. Make Ford. You dont ask women to have abortions unless youre scum. Thats a dudes view. While it is true he has no obligation to someone hes broken up with, he does have an obligation to not go around making babies with women he doesnt even know. Of. 8 Things To Think About If Your Ex Girlfriend is Pregnant As Ive said upthread: a man who sleeps with a woman he believes to be on the pill does so with the not-unreasonable expectation that she doesnt want to become pregnant. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. Just like we trust people when they say they got tested? Anyone would be angry in this situation. And throwing money at her only covers one part of that. In the long run, US ends up with what I like to refer to as the Feminist Mystake. April 9, 2012, 3:04 pm, Ill continue playing devils advocate here today

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